Accepting Grief - 2

Trigger Warning: Death, XXX Virus, Grief

Kindly read 'Accepting Grief' , incase you haven't, earlier.

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Over the last few days, I have been in the midst of conversations around...

Mother-in-law's...

"I can continue to wear the taali (mangalsutra) right? or am I to remove it now? What about pottu (bindi)? hmm.. I don't think I will wear my pattu (silk) sarees now... What if someone says something?"

"May be if I had practised Reiki and prayed for him on time, we wouldn't have lost my him..."

(referring to her husband) "I asked Appa who this actor on TV was, just yesterday... or was it the day before?" 

(referring to her husband) "He had mentioned his will a fortnight ago.. May be he knew..."

Husband's...

"Yesterday I opened dad's draw and saw some documents / papers and told myself, "I should ask Appa about these..." and later realised "Appa dhaan inime vara maattare.." (Dad won't be back ever again).

"....When I met Appa and held his hand on Sunday (the day before he passed away), I saw a tear drop in his eyes and asked him if he was crying because he never does. He brushed it off. But I sensed he was relieved seeing me, after being in the isolation ward for 3 days with no visitors. Now it feels like he was almost waiting for his son to see him before he decided to leave..."

"I missed informing him that he became a great grandfather once again a few days ago...I should've...cha!"

"The doctor's certificate mentions 8 am. May be he passed away in his sleep..."

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18th April 2021:

Bumped into a resident of the building the other day in the elevator who asked "How is dad?" and we had to tell him he'd passed away. The husband tells me he was the same guy who was doing his daily walk around the building that night and saw my f-i-l struggle to get into the car. The moment the husband said this, it brought back scenes of the night when we admitted my father-in-law in the hospital. So vividly. My f-i-l struggling to walk down the little ramp at our building, trying to get into the car, the drive to the hospital, he being taken in the wheelchair in the hospital and me waving bye to him.

And I ended up crying uncontrollably. Even now, as I write this.

We've all hardly slept over the last one week... One wakes up in the middle of the night to see if the other ones at home are doing ok (Read: alive). Apparently I woke up the other night, agitated, screaming "I am unwell unwell!" The husband checked for fever and calmed me down. I have zero recollection of this.

And there are times when we find ourselves laughing - when the m-i-l , watching Naattammai, tells us emphatically that Khushbu is married to Saratkumar... or when she asks if Jayalalithaa , Sivaji Ganesan are alive. Yes, that #GandhiSetthuttara moment only.

Growing up in the midst a huge joint family in Madras, I remember the house teeming with people every time there was death in the family. A month of nonstop visitors, never ending kaapi rounds, food for a crowd of 20-30 folks every day and rituals. The 13th day ceremony had a Sorpozhivi of sorts, where a learned person would talk about the soul that departed.

I don't know whether it's a blessing being confined to the four walls not having visitors pouring in, or it's a disadvantage to just have 3 people discuss the same thing repeatedly to console each other, for a week now.  Eyes well up every time we discuss my father-in-law. 

Just a week ago on Monday, the 12th of April 2021, the husband sat his mother down to say "Amma, oru bad news... Appa poittaru...". The lady who believed her husband was chilling next door for over a week, to be isolated from her, was just told she was not going to be able to meet him... ever again. For the first time in 19 years, I saw both my husband and his mother break down. It was heart-wrenching. I keep going back to this godawful Monday morning and wonder what was going in my mother-in-law's mind hearing this. Did she process the information?  Was she given time to process the information? She is yet to come to terms with the fact that her partner of 61 years is no more. It is not easy and it's never going to be easy.

But I can say one thing. Her unflinching faith in her family and extended family and friends to standby her forever, is what keeps her going. More than the trust, I'd say it's the kallankabadamilladha warmth she exudes and love for people and conversations is what has given her strength and comfort. And I sincerely hope it continues to be that way.

Thank you again, to all of you and to our family and friends for being with us virtually, all through this week. ❤️

Accepting Grief

 Trigger Warning : Death, XXX Virus, Grief

12th April 2021

We were both woken up by the loud ringtone of the husband's phone at 7:30 on a Monday morning.

"Ok.. ok..theek hai...ok", he said to the voice on the other side. 

He said to me, "Apparently Appa's breathing failed and they're trying to revive him..." the nurse called. 

8:30 am - One more call. One more "Ok ok ok..." from the husband.

"Poyittaaram..(He's no more)" husband gestured and later mentioned to me. 

6th April 2021

The husband's mother was back home after a 5-day hospitalisation after having tested positive earlier, for the XXX Virus, sometimes called Covid 19. 

And so, we were very sure his father who had tested positive after a few days, would also be discharged in 5 days. In fact we were planning for their home quarantine , post their discharge, at around the 12th of April 2021.

8th April 2021

My father-in-law tested positive that Wednesday night . Having gone thru' the drill of sending bulk messages to friends and colleagues in search of a hospital bed earlier for my mother-in-law on the 30th of March 2021, we repeated the same, a week later.

Formatted Messages / Calls to all friends and colleagues to help us with a hospital bed for an Octogenarian were sent / made. Thanks to some kind folks who we have had the fortune of working with, we managed to find a hospital and get him admitted at 2 am. 

How do you tell someone they've contracted this deadly virus and that they'd need to leave asap for the hospital? 

"UngaLukku Adhu Vanduthu... "

"Haan...Ennadhu?"

Adhudanpa.. Corona vandudutthu" - The husband told his father way past midnight informing him that he'd need to pack and leave for the hospital.
"Do you want to carry your hearing aid / pallu set (Dental set)?"

"No I will take just my comb" he replied. He got ready combing his hair straight, packing a set of clothes. The long ride to the hospital went with discussing vetti stuff on the rare sight of empty Bombay roads at 1 am.

At the hospital the Duty Doctor explained treatment protocol and we admitted my father in law at 2 am. Back home, husband and I were exhausted but we slept early morning, with a lot of hope that he'd be back in just 5 days. And that one did the right thing admitting him on time.

9th-11th April

The next few days went with regular updates from the hospital and the nurses that a certain uncle ji was progressing well. And that he had Khichdi and his oxygen levels were ok. On Sunday the 11th of April 2021, the husband decided to visit his father just to reassure him that we were around and that since it was a Covid ward we couldn't visit him regularly. Husband came back later that evening, mildly worried but still hopeful of his father's quick recovery and planning his discharge, home quarantine etc.

And in less than 12 hours, we were informed of his passing, by the doctor.

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My father-in-law was a simple, no-nonsense, unassuming, Independent person. He'd probably have an answer if Thillu Mullu Rajini were to ask him "Sindhu Bhairavi Raagatha Sivaranjani Ragathoda Mix Panni, Ataana Ragatha Arokkanathula Pidichi...Thodaila Aadhi Thaalam potta kidaikara Raagam Kalyaniya Kaambodhiya Karagara Priyava Shanmuga Priyava illa Sripriya va?"

A man with an amazing memory and love for Carnatic music, he had an enviable Carnatic music cassette collection and was the in-house encyclopaedia for all things Carnatic. Who needed google when we had him know all ragams and thaaLams on his finger tips?

My first memory / discussion with him was when we both watched some Malaysia Kalai Nigazchi on Suntv early 2000s featuring all Tamizh film actors. Actor Ajith was conspicuously absent in the star-studded event featuring Rajini, Vijayakanth, Kamal etc. I asked f-i-l if he knew why Ajith was absent.  "IT Raid-a irukkum!" f-i-l adichivittufyed.  Not kidding, the following week's Kumudam / Vigadan carried Kisu Kisu of IT raids at Ajith's and hence his absence. Now in hindsight, I think we missed an opportunity to host a cleaner version 'Valai Pechu' then, featuring my fil. He would've made an amazing host for all things Kollywood.

As I write this, my father-in-law is probably watching Sembaruthi on Indra TV in Heaven, eating his favourite Vadai and Aviyal watching his family here reminisce the good times they shared with him - Be it his grandkids talking about their trips to  Mother Dairy or his son talking about how he managed to keep a copy of every Govt. document / bill copy ever safe, or his loving wife wondering why he didn't eat the Vadai she made for him last month. And smiling to himself, he's probably gone back to watching the next soap opera after Sembarutti.

13th April 2021 - Today

It's been an overwhelming 2 days. We have been flooded with calls and messages of support and strength, from family, friends and acquaintances from across. We are eternally grateful for the support that's been pouring from across. Nothing but gratitude for all the gestures of affection.

Every time after a long call with a friend, I end up crying. The very thought of seeing the husband and mother-in-law coping with this loss in their own way is often overwhelming, emotionally tiring.

The husband's close knit family of 5, including his mother, are on video calls regularly, just chatting about general stuff and to reassure one another they're always there for each other, no matter what.

The discussions at home between the husband, mother-in-law and I have often been around the mindless Tamizh soap operas (Sembarutthi fans anyone?) on mil's Jayam Ravi fandom (I resign from this family) or how pretty my nighties are. Lulz.

Husband and I often remind ourselves what the other person needs to do if one of us show symptoms of XXX virus. "The worst is over..." he reminds and reassures me almost on an hourly basis. Sometimes I just wish I could be like him. My ever optimistic, always-looking-into-the-better-brighter-side-of-things, husband.

He has, after all, taken after his mother. So we'd should be alright. We will be.
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PS - I don't get "How old was he?" "Did you see his face/ body?" questions.

Lockdown 2013

It was Deepavali 2012. A few months earlier I had quit my job after working for 17 years because I had wanted to take a break to... just sit at home for sometime and not worry about clients, concepts or currency. I was trying to put together a dish in the kitchen, for the festival.

Amidst all the not-so-hectic celebrations at home, the husband whispered "Er... wanted to tell you something..". He added, "... Things are not going good at work... nothing final yet.. Just thought I'd tell you". 

"What.. What. Wha..?" I didn't quite get what he said because my mind was mentally prepared for..."I'm planning to book their tickets for...". He sat me down to explain that things were not looking good at his organisation and well.. he may not have a job in the next few months repeating the "nothing final yet" a few times. At that point, honestly, I just thought "Poga Poga Seriaayidum..(We'll turn out okay)" in Stand up Comedian Alex's words, and was just not prepared for a traumatic year ahead of us.
It was only when he came home one day, in the next year, to say that it was his last month at work and he'd paid for the next 3 months, did it strike me that life was not going to be the same.

So - I didn't have a job and so did he. For the next few months, we just sat at home and did nothing but browse job sites all day. Sometimes if we were lucky, a consultant or two would call, once a month. His former colleagues and associates disappeared in no time not even wanting to take a call including a gentleman who lived in the same apartment complex as ours.

A few months later, thanks to a kind gentleman on twitter who had put out a tweet on a possible job opportunity, I landed myself a consulting assignment. Working from home made it less stressful... but only for a bit. With a huge EMI, our savings were saying tata bye bye to us , fast.

For the next many many months, we would be in two different rooms and meet or talk to, once or twice a day. For everyone's sake, let me add that I acknowledge the privilege of having two different rooms in the house before folks pounce and point out this fact.(happy?)
I would work from mine and he'd read / watch some series on TV (No Netflix then!) from his. I had stopped running / working out and would sulk all day long. We had stopped stepping out for movies, occasional restaurant visits or even that monthly parlour visit. We had to cook up different excuses for not visiting our parents in two different cities. "Busy with Work (Lol!)" was what parents heard from us every time they'd ask us about our next trip.

But one thing was clear. Except for, may be one or two persons known to us, we were not going to tell anyone about our tough times. Not family definitely, at least to avoid the "Did you get a job?" or for that matter "Do you need money?", every time they'd call. Ofcourse it was only obvious to expect them to be concerned, yet, we were exhausted.
As for others - I was definitely not in a frame of mind to fix appointments with friends / people I have known for decades, to call and discuss possible job opportunities. I detested (still do!) the idea of fixing up appointment with friends to call. Like what are you? Some dentist? Sure, not all of us can take calls 24*7. One would simply expect people to disconnect incase they're unable to take a call, text back with a time that they'd return calls. Anyway, when people were not a call away, too bad. Simply not worth adding to my pain.

Not blaming anyone, I guess everyone's so busy or wanting to pack their day with whatever they're doing , including liking instagram posts or watching whatever-the-downloadable-series-that-was-hot-then, that it was rare to find that one person who you could CALL AND SPEAK TO, to help you find a job, then. Things were going downhill. For those wondering why I didn't seek professional help, honestly, I found it extremely boring to meet a therapist when I had reached out to one 15 odd years ago. The drudgery of going to a therapist was more painful than the pain itself. Yeah, there I said it.

Back to Lockdown 2013 - It was traumatic to say the least, sitting at home, all day, for the next 9 months. Stepping out for anything would mean spending money. We had to be frugal. My Consulting assignments didn't fetch great money but kept me busy on calls and on online, all day.

Finally one of us found a job. One had to take a huge pay cut because one was desperate. It was the most boring job of my career in a television channel but I had to go through the stress. I'd cry every single day riding to work because I had to sit thru' insipid ideas and bum nakkis. But as a couple, we started enjoying the daily routine. At work, I'd look forward to a text at 5 pm from the husband to choose between Red and Green Pasta. For the next one hour, I'd dream of coming back home by 6 for a steaming bowl of pasta that he'd have prepared before heading for a walk. There was medical emergencies in the family and he could devote time being the care-giver, for a few months. We were both waiting for that good news of the job market bouncing back. I was working in a Business News Channel and the only question I'd ask the Editor of the channel repeatedly was when he expected the job market to be active again.

Things started looking good in the second half of 2014. Though the husband and I lived in two different cities, we managed fairly well because we finally had full-time jobs! We had a repeat of the same situation of just one of us with a job, again, in 2016, 2017** but we were better prepared this time. It didn't hit us suddenly because the two years had taught us to be prepared all the frikkin' time for a layoff, stress, anxiety and so on. Everything was in control except for my health. Things had taken a beating with all the stress in 2013 and 2014 and it took a good 3 years and several doctor visits to get back to normalcy. And I'd smirk every single time someone from a family or friends' circle ask me about my weight gain wondering where all this concern went 3 years ago.

Oflate, (in 2020) as we're going through the most stressful time of our lives - I have been reading about folks going thru' a lot of stress sitting at home, reading about rising Covid 19 cases. Ofcourse one needs to seek professional help whenever one needs.
The point of my post is that if you're reading this - Please be there for your friends and family. A lot of people out there don't have jobs. They have been laid off. Please reach out to them and give them a call. No, don't expect them to tell you. Please ask how they're doing at work and how the situation is. Don't be a Thumbsup idiot*. Don't whatsapp them giving them a time to call and expect them to share their anxiety between 3-3.25 pm on Tuesday because it's Ragukaalam or that's the time you'll be free when not liking instagram posts. Do let them know they can call you whenever they want to, specifically to address issues. for eg discuss possible job opportunities. Actively search for job opportunities for your friends and share it with them. Yes, all of us are going through a hard time, but some are suffering more than you and I are. And above all, please let not their political leanings decide your support. Some months ago, there was a huge campaign against a set of people by a social media gang, and folks were urged to unfollow, mute and shame people. I was wondering - what if one of them was your friend and someone who you could've helped professionally as an advisor, mentor?And you as an idiot, chose to unfollow, mute, disconnect from them because of some social media thugs. Will the same thugs or a Modi or Shah help your friend get back to normalcy?
NO! Don't be an idiot.

I repeat - Please be there for your friends and family.

*Persons who reply with a Thumbsup on 1-1 message. What are you? Some Salman Khan-Akshay Kumar-Ranveer Singh type Ambassador for Thumbsup?

**I realised I had mentioned the year as 2016 when I wrote it initially. Corrected to 2017, just incase those reading again noticed this.