Ra.One

Usually before a film is made, the writer narrates one-line/ story to the director, then screenplay, dialogues are written, Producer found, cast and crew finalized, shooting begins, editing post-production done, marketing begins simultaneously and then gets released after the film has been bought.

In Ra.One, first McDonalds, Youtube, Godrej, Horlicks, Nokia, Playstation, Western Union, Cinthol, Coke, Gopal palpodi, Gopuram Poosu manjal thool, Arasan soap, Susi Emu farms and other famous brands were first assembled, asked to put money in SRK's undiyal and THEN Saaruk, Mushtaq (his jaalra), Anubhav Sinha (yet another jaalra, also director), Karan Jogar (all-time jaalra), Gauri 'Botox' Khan all sat down together and decided to make a film with the kaanikkais received from the above brands based on what the brands stood for.

Aaarrgh.One

Saaruk Kaan is Shekhar + 'Veshti, Angavashtaram, SuruL mudi hair style' Subramanium - gaming designer, husband of Kareena Kapoor (I think her on screen name is Anjali, Pooja or some such thing), doting Appa of a nice cute boy Prateik. Appa designs game with Ra.One, G.one, H.a.r.t and all. Ra.one the bad guy comes alive out of the game trying to kill Prateik. So as per the rule of the Bollywood-Kollywood-Hollywood books, G.one had to come out alive to save Kareena and Prateik. Not just that. G.one is revived by Prateik after putting 'Subam' card so that we have a sequel to Ra.One called Arrgh.One next Deepavali with a new set of sponsors namely Anil Noodles, Jos Alukkas, Poomex Ulladaigal & Kisscol TMT Kambigal.

Crow.One

Its time Kareena Kapoor takes visiting cards of Botox doctors from Gauri Khan. Looks like Ms.Kapoor's dietitian Rujuta 80000-Rupees-a-session Diwekar's 'nutritious' diet does not cover the eyes. Crow feet around the eyes. Kareena kaa kaa kaapoor!

This Arjun Rampal looks like a crow that hasn't been fed for years. I say Kothavaranga looks prettier! This Rampal fellow has no persnaalty, no looks for a villain.One aaatu-daadi. That's all.

Bra.One

Don't know if Shekhar Subramanium wore a poonal in the film but Kareena sure did. What's with the forever bra showing Poonal Saree and Bollywood heroines? It is thanks to these people, these Peddar road mummies and Worli mammas compete with their teenage kids and wear poonal sarees n bum jutting skirts that don't suit them.

Kar.one

The film's title card thanks Karan Johar amongst 25,000 people. I think it is for letting Saaruk use Karan Jogar patented Karwa Chauth, Karwada Chauth in one senti 'humari-husband-humara-fast' type bleddy Bollywood scene.

(RD)Burm.One

Music by Durvasa Munivar aka Vishal Dadlani (if you follow him on twitter you'll know why I call him that) & Shekhar (not Subramanium). Quite like Dildara by Shafqat Amanat Ali. Nandini Sriker's rendition is quite awesome in

Bhare Naina .

Oh yes, let me take this opportunity to plug a dear friend's voice in Chammak Challo. I am glad Hamsika has finally got a big break with this song.

Back to the music of the film by Vishal and Shekhar, ok, no harm idolizing a legend, in this case RD Burman but why do these guys (V&S) end up using RD's tunes as BGMs? They could've tried something totally new as G.one's theme instead of the usual RD type humming.

Bah.One

SRK eats noodles and curd.

SRK saying "Ayyayo", for 'Thank you' , 'Hello', 'Hi', 'Bye' and everything else

SRK acting like a cool dad.

SRK as G.one.

SRK.

Bleddy.One

This fellow called Satish Shah as Mr.Iyer, Saaruk's neighbour predictably goes around with his "Ayyayo, whatijeee" type nonsensical s%^! Wonder where all twitter makkal putting #wearetamils, #wearemaanasthans hashtag ordering people to retweet their tweets are now, as we witness the greatest insult of all time to Tamizh makkal. Would also like to know what A.R.Murugadoss who believes in whatever he wrote about Tamizh makkal being insulted and thrown out all around the world in 7aum Arivu, thinks about the potrayal of 'us' in Ra.One.

Gone

I hereby surrender my membership card as Superstar fan. Greatestestest insult of all time to His fans is Superstar's tundu beedi appearance as Chitti. Horrendous makeup, horrible wig, awful scene placement. I really wonder why He decided to do SRK a favour. It is sad Rajnikant had to stoop down to this level.

Ahaa.one

The kutty payyan Prateik is rombave cute. Watch the film before he makes his next hajjar appearances in the ads of Boom Boom Boomer, Horlicks, Pepsi, Whirlpool washing machine (as Kajol n Ajay Devgn's kid),Gold Winner oil, Chennai silks Children's day special and so on.

SFXes are very good. Sadly there is no story to do justice to the kicka$$ special effects.

HaHa.one

You know these films of the 80s where villains are such caricatures wearing ugly wigs saying "Khoon ke Khilaaf' and some such dialogues? In Ra.one, Dalip Tahil the so-called stylish NRI type actor (ya ya he was a tundu beedi in the 80s Bollywood films) is not exactly a villain, he is not a 'character' actor either. He is one eno-tano wearing the most atrocious wig of all time. And his gestures resemble the guy below...

he he he ! Me thinks Dalip Tahil & Country club fellow - #sameguy

Chee.One

The plot of super-heroes in a game coming out alive and fighting it out could've made a very good story had they paid some attention to it. Not sure how many parents would want their kids to watch a film with crappy jokes, references to that part of the body again and again. Forget kids, it is a pain for us adults to sit thru' the same Karwa Chauth, Mamta, Paribhasha, references to Bhagwat Geeta, Mahatma Gandhi, Pooja, Anjali, Punjabi, (Kareena's)pout, horse face, poonal saree.. Nahin Nahin Nahin!!!!!!

R'ayyayo'ne - 2 out of 5

PS - If you thought I was going to recommend 7-aum Arivu instead, Illai Illai Illai! adhu vera oru kodumainga!