Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Kurbaan

There are some films that are made to make you laugh, some films made to make you cry and there are those which are made only to be saavaduchyfyed by blogs like the one you are reading right now. Kurbaan - taana vandu maatara teeni for this blog.


The Goat n Horse Romance

Aatu-daadi Saif Khan falls madly in love with Kudara(i) moonji Kareena Kapoor when they meet in one of the Delhi colleges in which Madam is a professor. Saif is a visiting professor from God-knows-where and teaches God-knows-what. Thanks to Karan Jogar's extra budget for costumes, Madam Professorini wears A-line skirts and nice tops teamed with churidars and stoles. Aadu and Kudara(i) romance in the university, in Jama Masjid and all other places where Fanaa was shot. Not just the locales, the story isn't any different from Fanaa's. The US of A university where Kareena had studied earlier wants her back for the next semester, so Saifeena (Gosh! Don't tell me you aren't aware of this term! Gosh!) get married and move to the USA. Kareena realizes that her tottu burkha poatta purusan is indeed a terrorist planning a major attack in the US and the rest of the story puts javvu-mittai to shame.

Kurbaan =

9/11 + Muslim terrorists + Afghanistan-Pakistan + songs and dialogues that go "Allahfazeequaarranakdaamakkadham" every two minutes + Aapaas + Abbajaans

It is also about...

Kareena kapoor's horrible makeup that makes her look on par with Kirrrron kherrr, Saif and Kareena's trying-to-be romantic chemistry which falls flat, Dia guest-appearance-only Mirza's award winning yet another guest appearance, Viveik Oberoi's yet another second hero attempt, Karan Jogar's yet another attempt in making films only and only for the US market, 'Aaapa' Kirrrron Kher's yet another 'Ittifaaq-ki-Kurbaani-ki-khaatil' tight closeup that scares you.

Some kostans

  • Why does Omapodi's sorry Ompuri's moonji look like ellu-kollu bursting always? Was he made to read his biography penned by his wife Nandita Puri before he shot for the film :-p ?
  • Why was Viveik Oberoi made to look five years older than Saifu baba with his (VO's) bad hairstyle?
  • Kareena kapoor's false nails appear, disappear in a few nails and reappear in some, disappear in the rest again and again.What was the continuity supervisor doing on the sets? (Karan Jogar, if you haven't paid the continuity supervisor of this film yet... don't! he doesn't deserve it)
  • When Saifu baba meets the dean, the dean asks him "What can you teach?" - Saifu says "I can teach the role of Muslims in ethnic domestic current economic socio some sh!+"
- Dai! At this rate, even I can be a professor in any US university teaching "varied" subjects including "How to manage Bangali colleagues who put Oscar award winning nadippu" "How to talk bade bade lingo in client meetings which nobody understands" "How to act busy in aabees" etc etc.

"Idho Police" moments

Almost all pre-2000 films have these "Idho police-e vandhachu" moments where a gang of Inspectors and constable 2 not 2s enter the climax to "Arrest him". This film has many such scenes. When you expect the FBI to be one number 'Gowravam Sivaji' types, they end up being CID Sangars. They appear out of nowhere, act like mechanic muthus cutting wires, running in chapels, stations and arriving at the last moment to arrest terrorists. Saif Khan is in the 'most wanted' hit list but roams around wearing coat-suit teaching Islam. Ennavo pongappa!

Sufi for Saifu

When in doubt, add an Allah, Khudafeez to the lyrics. Yes, Salim-Suleiman's background score is really good but the tunes are so... predictable. Shukhranaaallla is an oppari by itself. And like all Salim-Suleiman films this one too has two to three songs with a Sufi touch but like all the previous ones, they are nothing but clones of each other.

Scenes for Page-3 and mudugu sorinjing twitterati

Like all angreji philums, there's one number Oh-so-lovely love-making scene. Our makkal particularly the KJO and Juniorbachchan mudugu sorinjing twitterati make such a shoo-shaa about how aesthetically it has been shot, how poignant that moment is, how sensuous it is blah blah. C'mon it was yet another Jeyamalini-kind-of-villi stealing info from the anti-hero's draw after woo-ing him. Idhula enna steamy, hot-tu, sexy vendikedakku?

Ultimate climax moment

Saifu shot, Vivek Oberoi cluelessly running around, director desperately putting scenes with all sorts of people crying after the bomb blast hoping we will get some pheelings seeing them and all is over... and Kudira moonji asks Aatu daadi, "Tumhara asli naam kya hai?" (What's your real name?) and he says, "Khalid!" and she weeps and weeps endlessly. Audience wonders why she is sobbing. Is it 'coz she feels Khalid is such a kandravi name? Turns out that she's been living with her lauvvver and husband all this while without knowing his actual name. And worshtu! this scene movies into the moment where she walks and walks and walks towards the camera before we stare at the blank screen... and people wait for something to happen.... and.... and... the credits roll! Kodumaban! Kandraviban! Ban everything!

Finally...

Kurbaan is your same-old-fungus-infected story of Muslim terrorist madly in love with a Hindu girl. At least the director could have presented it better. The characters lack depth, they wander around aimlessly and Saif-Kareena look so not interested in the film. There's nothing in the film that makes us feel for the characters.

'Korattai'ban - 2 out of 5 - Its all about loving your korattai in the theaters.

43 Responses:

கணேஷ் said...

ROTFL :) :) :)

No one can tease this movie like you :)

Worst movie i have ever seen :)

Extra-Ordinarily Ordinary said...

B,

All the Sheth kabodhis are overa ethifying this movie... Kurbaan sets the standard nu oru mokkai vera.

I never knew Taran Adarsh and that rediff reviewers were Karan Johar's pay men.

And honestly, Saif ALI khan cannot play any other role than being a flirty, udhavakarai road side romeo.

உருப்புடாதது_அணிமா said...

ஹா ஹா ஹா :-)

வயிறு வலிக்க சிரித்தேன்!! சிரித்து கொண்டிருக்கிறேன்.

///Why does Omapodi's sorry Ompuri's moonji look like ellu-kollu bursting always///

முடியல!!! முடியல !!!!!

Hawkeye said...

you are the best reviewer of bad films . deivamee...

The Practical Idealist said...

Loved this. Sparkling as usual!

buddy said...

irreverent!
hilarious!

Meera said...

Korattai Ban... Hilarious like all other movie reviews!!!
Wonder if My Name is Khan is going to follow this pattern too...

Aparna said...

It was a waste of time for sure! Same like watching New York... Wonder what will that SRK fellow do differently in 'My name is Khan' to make it different...

The Print Lover said...

Goat n Horse Romance - ROFL.

Is Kiron Kher ji telling her usual 'ek aur chapathi kaalo putharu' dialogs in this movie also?

wa said...

Aadu, kudhirai, that was so funny, I know no hindi nor hindi padams but loved this review. More of the same pls

Blogeswari said...

The Print lover - Which kaalam are you in? Kirron kher-ji has evolved with times. She is too busy putting extra lisp-tick and kajal rolling her eyes busy planting bombs apart from praying to Khudafeezjunoonallahshukriyaa. No time for chapathi-roti 'coz no puttharu for her in this film.

LKS (extra-ordinary) - Bombay times had FRONT PAGE review on Friday with this reviewer giving it a thumbs up and 3.5 out of 5.

ssstoryteller said...

Simperbly LOL

Sathya said...

intha padam does no need a review at all...kuppaina kuppai..all dis kuppai bollywood movie makers must b shot in d middle of d road, vivek mathiri sollanumna, unne yen da 26/11 thookala...maha mega worst movie...saifeena jus sucks...but finally unga blog - chumma pinnitingapa...

artnavy said...

i dont feel bad at all for not being able to see this movie

ambi said...

//even I can be a professor in any US university //

ROTFL :)))

Maddy said...

I am enlightened!!!

Blogeswariiiiiiiiiiiiii! Tamil agarathila illathe vaarthayellam puthusu puthusa kandupidichu kolra thayee!!!

Eppidimaa? eppidi? ( Read like Trisulam Jivaji ganesun sstyle)

Anonymous said...

deivamey..unga review kaagavey indh amaari naalu padam release aaganum..

Radha

Anonymous said...

blogeswari: this is my first time posting a comment ever- i was reading this post from work during my break and just broke into loud giggles, much to the annoyance of my coworkers... I cant take it anymore, this is so funny I could cry...... idhukku mele I cant take it.....

bhuvana said...

blogeswari this is TOO TOO MUCH. I laughed and laughed till tears rolled down my cheeks, kodumaban? kandraviban? I cant laugh anymore- my cheeks hurt. Thanks for the wonderfully funny post.....

RARA AVIS said...

Hi Blogeswari

I have been an ardent follower of your blog and for most part it puts a smile no laugh on my face. This movie review was just awesome dude!!! you rock!!!

Harini said...

Mudile....aappice le sirichu sirichu american colleague whats so funny ketathu than michcham...
chance less review :-) ....

Teesu (very very Indian, very very good) said...

Thanks so much for the laughs. Always say: best HONEST movie reviewer I know!

Archana said...

Siruchu siruchu vayaru valikaradhu!! Loved it!

Mambalam Mani said...

Idha paarungapa

http://beta.thehindu.com/arts/movies/article55205.ece?homepage=true

:D

mm said...

kallakite ma!

rasika said...

i love the way u have written.Its hilarious.But since i am aware of the hard work done for the film and think know a little about film maing.SAll i will say is its easy to ridicule a film but having the guts to make one like this and moreso i think everyone has acted brilliantly.And also fyi the effort for the shoot is immence since they have actualy shot at a lot real locales.So before ripping a film apart please try and understand that it takes a lot of work to mak a film,a single friday to decide its fate and just 10 mins of urs to rip it apart.Good humour anyways.Its definitely has fantastic music

Vishiiii said...

har har har your post will surely left me in splits and then confirmed my decision on not watching the film.

Farting Pen said...

Aiiiyo! Amma! Sirichu sirichu vayiru valikkudhu!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! You raaaak! :)

Subhashree said...

Super hilarious. Had to delurk :)

Arun said...

HAHAHA... blogeswari, deivamey!

u should have added a line or 2 about that super cop Collins..


mokkai_mak!

Sreekrishnan said...

I think your blog is officially the place to go when a movie sucks and i Just hope and pray that you watch all the kuppai movies...
Please dont think twice to stop watching such movies !!

mr.weirdo!! said...

very good attempt ... i think u should put a warning notice like the reviews here are meant to be make fun of even the most genuine scenes and rip apart the movie ... lol


if u have time check out mine too

www.harishfilmviews.blogspot.com

Sathya said...

ho Blogeswari, i am sorry to reply to rasika's comment which has left me quite anguished...

@ Rasika - pls understand none of d b'wood producers or multiplexes screen these movies for us - FREE OF COST, and when u pay 200 per tckt to wat bull shit, they deserve d tr8ment of such worst reviews only...wat pain in movie making, my #$@*&...its pain in our pockets...such a cheap rip off of New york...i feel movies shud entertain or make u think rather than feel cheated of ur money..Kurbaan is bull shit, its made big only cause of d ongoin affair of saifeena...and definitely worth more bad reviews...please watch movies applying ur brains & not ur heart...

Anonymous said...

answers for kamal quiz pls....

Chandrika Shubham said...

Interesting review of a boring movie.

gils said...

:( if only i had read ths blog before spedng 200 :( avvvvvvvvvvvvvvv....kodumaban chaancela :D :D kalakrel pongo

Smitha said...

Have'nt seen the movie but ur review just made me laugh non stop....

Hema said...

My mudhal comment..ROTFL...vayiru vallika sirika vechuteengalemaa..!! I was not planning to watch the film anyway...reading your review is more worth while...superu!

Kusum Rohra said...

hehe totally agree with your review except for Kareena's make up :) even in the first half where its quite loud it looked good to me and in the second half her foundation was too good, very subtle and naturale' :)

Nithz said...

I have been a silent reader of your blog all this while. This post was damn hilarious.Hahaha..Good one :)

ஞானப்பழம் said...

Your review is awesome.. i dunno about the film, but i really liked your review!!!

Shall i bestow the title "Damage Rani" for ur successful exploits of the review?

justaroundme said...

came over from Boo's blog.anyone who got a head ache by watching this movie - should read your review and the laughs can make the head ache vanish....

V.Prasanna said...

late padichalum latesta padichomle!!
awesome blogeshwari!! I am ur fan alreddy!!