Kurbaan

There are some films that are made to make you laugh, some films made to make you cry and there are those which are made only to be saavaduchyfyed by blogs like the one you are reading right now. Kurbaan - taana vandu maatara teeni for this blog.

The Goat n Horse Romance

Aatu-daadi Saif Khan falls madly in love with Kudara(i) moonji Kareena Kapoor when they meet in one of the Delhi colleges in which Madam is a professor. Saif is a visiting professor from God-knows-where and teaches God-knows-what. Thanks to Karan Jogar's extra budget for costumes, Madam Professorini wears A-line skirts and nice tops teamed with churidars and stoles. Aadu and Kudara(i) romance in the university, in Jama Masjid and all other places where Fanaa was shot. Not just the locales, the story isn't any different from Fanaa's. The US of A university where Kareena had studied earlier wants her back for the next semester, so Saifeena (Gosh! Don't tell me you aren't aware of this term! Gosh!) get married and move to the USA. Kareena realizes that her tottu burkha poatta purusan is indeed a terrorist planning a major attack in the US and the rest of the story puts javvu-mittai to shame.

It is also about...

Kareena kapoor's horrible makeup that makes her look on par with Kirrrron kherrr, Saif and Kareena's trying-to-be romantic chemistry which falls flat, Dia guest-appearance-only Mirza's award winning yet another guest appearance, Viveik Oberoi's yet another second hero attempt, Karan Jogar's yet another attempt in making films only and only for the US market, 'Aaapa' Kirrrron Kher's yet another 'Ittifaaq-ki-Kurbaani-ki-khaatil' tight closeup that scares you.

Some kostans

• Why does Omapodi's sorry Ompuri's moonji look like ellu-kollu bursting always? Was he made to read his biography penned by his wife Nandita Puri before he shot for the film :-p ?
• Why was Viveik Oberoi made to look five years older than Saifu baba with his (VO's) bad hairstyle?
• Kareena kapoor's false nails appear, disappear in a few nails and reappear in some, disappear in the rest again and again.What was the continuity supervisor doing on the sets? (Karan Jogar, if you haven't paid the continuity supervisor of this film yet... don't! he doesn't deserve it)
• When Saifu baba meets the dean, the dean asks him "What can you teach?" - Saifu says "I can teach the role of communities in ethnic domestic current economic socio some sh!+"

- Dai! At this rate, even I can be a professor in any US university teaching "varied" subjects including "How to manage Bangali colleagues who put Oscar award winning nadippu" "How to talk bade bade lingo in client meetings which nobody understands" "How to act busy in aabees" etc etc.

"Idho Police" moments

Almost all pre-2000 films have these "Idho police-e vandhachu" moments where a gang of Inspectors and constable 2 not 2s enter the climax to "Arrest him". This film has many such scenes. When you expect the FBI to be one number 'Gowravam Sivaji' types, they end up being CID Sangars. They appear out of nowhere, act like mechanic muthus cutting wires, running in chapels, stations and arriving at the last moment to arrest terrorists. Saif Khan is in the 'most wanted' hit list but roams around wearing coat-suit teaching Islam. Ennavo pongappa!

Sufi for Saifu

When in doubt, add an Allah, Khudafeez to the lyrics. Yes, Salim-Suleiman's background score is really good but the tunes are so... predictable. Shukhranaaallla is an oppari by itself. And like all Salim-Suleiman films this one too has two to three songs with a Sufi touch but like all the previous ones, they are nothing but clones of each other.

Scenes for Page-3 and mudugu sorinjing twitterati

Like all angreji philums, there's one number Oh-so-lovely love-making scene. Our makkal particularly the KJO and Juniorbachchan mudugu sorinjing twitterati make such a shoo-shaa about how aesthetically it has been shot, how poignant that moment is, how sensuous it is blah blah. C'mon it was yet another Jeyamalini-kind-of-villi stealing info from the anti-hero's draw after woo-ing him. Idhula enna steamy, hot-tu, sexy vendikedakku?

Ultimate climax moment

Saifu shot, Vivek Oberoi cluelessly running around, director desperately putting scenes with all sorts of people crying after the bomb blast hoping we will get some pheelings seeing them and all is over... and Kudira moonji asks Aatu daadi, "Tumhara asli naam kya hai?" (What's your real name?) and he says, "Khalid!" and she weeps and weeps endlessly. Audience wonders why she is sobbing. Is it 'coz she feels Khalid is such a kandravi name? Turns out that she's been living with her lauvvver and husband all this while without knowing his actual name. And worshtu! this scene movies into the moment where she walks and walks and walks towards the camera before we stare at the blank screen... and people wait for something to happen.... and.... and... the credits roll! Kodumaban! Kandraviban! Ban everything!

Finally...

Kurbaan is your same-old-fungus-infected story of Terrorist madly in love with a commoner. At least the director could have presented it better. The characters lack depth, they wander around aimlessly and Saif-Kareena look so not interested in the film. There's nothing in the film that makes us feel for the characters.

'Korattai'ban - 2 out of 5 - Its all about loving your korattai in the theaters.