I am sorry.. I am sorry.. S-O-R-R-Y.. naa konjam nallavadaan... sorry.. Anjaneya, Villian, Varalaru and now Kireedom.. My dear husband, am sorry I subjected to you to so much torture.. I promise.. I hereby promise that never will I subject you this kinda torture henceforth.. “athaaan.. ennai mannithuvidungal.. mannithuvittean endru oru vaarthai sollungal..”
Prelude - Flashback – several several years ago….
Vijay, director of this film – A high school student in 1987, from Omanakutty village in Kollam district, Kerala watches ‘Enda katthal kireedam unnoda ammayeendaa paramanantham’ – a Malayalam film by Priyadarsan a.k.a Priyan in a theatre near his school and comes out jubiliantly to say “Ende Guruvaayurappaaa.. idanneee.. idannee Bharatha deshatode… Malayalathunda firsht class picture.. Priyan valliya director-aaanu” and decides that his aim in life is to remake the film in Tamizh… only to torture the tamizh audience for reasons best known to him…
A few years later: The same Vijay with a vengeance joins Priyan as an assistant director and is seen worshipping his idol- icon Priyan Sir talking about the film “Enda kaathal….”. After assisting Priyan on the umpteenth remake version of “Enda katthal..” Priyan decides its time Vijay goes out and makes his own film..
Vijay, now an aspiring director is seen with Priyan who recommends his name to good friend Suresh Balaje a.k.a Illicha Vaai producer.. Priyan and Suresh samsaarichify in chaste Mallu –ofcourse Suresh in Tam Iyengarish Mallu and thus agreements signed, advances given to Vijay and crew for the biggest torture of all time : KIREEDAM.
You know you are in for a complete disaster the moment you see the second scene with ‘Thala’ Ajith in Constable costume, rain fight scene – saluting his father Rajkiran a.k.a ‘Artificial Arched Eyebrows Yaettu Appa’. Yabbaaa.. you say!Mr.Arched eyebrows realizes its all a dream and tells the 501 constable colleague that his aim is to make Thala, a Tarudalai.. er.. S.I.
Cut to happy household in Tirichi house – Castol oil face Sharanya as Thala’s mummy & Arched Eyebrows’ wife… One number serial-la junior artiste as thangai... Nimmadi serial senior artiste as Akka, one vettu vettu student thambi (last seen in Nandha as child actor) and ofcourse Vivek, as veetoda mappillai.. All haahaaa-heeehee-ing we are one happy family Karan jogar kinds. ‘Thala’ ofcourse is the darling of the family…(Mugavari kinds) seen Pillayar idol robbing from Trisha’s house.
TIRISHA – THE TALAIYATTI BOMMAI
Trisha’s entry scene, predictably starts from her kolusu cutting to her ears, eyes, nose, runny nose.. whatever.. finally, we see Tirisaa madam doing a boring modhal before kadhal nonsense with Thala.. Thala has one number Tarudalai as his friend – “Lollu sabha” Santhanam who is trying to be the next Vivek- failing miserably.
Cut back to Happy household- all happy, Thala getting letter to appear for kaaval turai eggjam (‘Dill’ film kinds).. Cut Cut one number inspiring song…Arched eyebrows and Thala working out in sand, drinking mineral water, laughing, exercising, push upping..… Arched eyebrows full efforts in putting success for Thala - yabbaa.. enough.. enakke taangala..
Side-la Tala’s encounter with Tirishaa continues.. and lauvvs happens in Tirichy kaapee shaap… with a wooden face-wooden voice Ajith proposing “namakku first payyan-aprom ponnu kozhandai” kinda innovative dialaaks.. (Na.Muthukumar/Vijay – both torture us, not one). One number duet happens.. the less said the better about the picturization.. it is terrible!
Eyesore: Not to miss Tirisha’s broken nail polish when there is close up of her hands on Ajith’s shoulders – lauvvss u see.
Continuity: The same scene… Tirisha writing exam.. nail paaleesh missing.. so madam removing nail paaleesh before going to eggjam hall? Me yosching..
After all the kaadhals and lauvvs, both family meetings and Tirsha and Ajith’s parisam is finalized.. only after ha ha ha.. kinda Doordarshan Podhigai Tuesday drama laughters by both families.
But tragedy, Mr. Arched Eyebrows is now transferred to some tanni illadha kaadu , away from Tirichi for slapping an MLA’s son. Thala and family go with him..not before Thalai’s 10 second scene “Naa enga poren.. paakathu oorukku daane” with Tirisha.
Thanni illada kaadu has lots of tanni potta rowdies… and one number Head Inspector who is beaten up because he is haanest raaj. But Arched Eyebrows is also Haanest raaj you see… so we see him talking to Head Inspector Haanest. So both talking haanest, talks of local rowdies.. local daadaas, tata sumos, aruvals and other never-before-seen-stuff-in-Tamizh cinema.
TOONGITEAN.. BUT I DIDN’T MISS MUCH
Somewhere here I dozed off, only to be woken up by Tottu taali kattina purushan who asks me to wake up, be alert and watch the film so that I can do social service by writing such reviews and warning people.. We are the socially-responsible-kudumbamayya!
When I woke up I saw one number Tall mallu looking (obviously!) villain beating up Mr.Arched Eyebrows screaming “DAIIIIIIIIII… “in yes, you got it a crowded market place. Suddenly I saw ‘Thala’ in formal wear beating up Tall villain. I now gather that the villain’s name is Varadu kutty or something like that. Varadu kutty heads a big gang including Bala Singh – who these days comes for exactly 1.5 minutes in a 2 ½ hour film screaming “Dai… pudingadaa avana.. theethu kaatungadaaa” .Now ‘Thala’ beats up ‘Varadu’ and the market junior artistes scream “Dada Thala vazhga” types much to the disappointment of Mr.Arched eyebrows who wants his son to be an S.I.. Sad na?
THANK GOD FOR INTERMISSIONS
At this crucial point, they put Interval – ‘Take care of your belongings’, ‘Beware of dogs ‘kinda flash cards on screen.. and I go out to catch the much needed fresh air. All my plans of sneaking out without husband’s knowledge are foiled thanks to my purushan who followed me quietly and brought me back to the theatre as I tried to run out of the theatre complex.. paavi manusha!
‘THALA’ AS TALAI MARAIVU
Thanks to Haanest Raj Inspector, Thala is talai maraivu, ‘Varadu kutty’ in hospital and Bala Singh & gang looking for Thala. At this nail biting suspense thrilling place, Bala Singh and gang are caught and kept in Jail.. ha ha ha.. every one happy.. ‘Varadu’ giving vaaku moolam.. “I will kill Thala” kinds
HAPPY MAMIYAR VEEDU – TIRISHA BACK
We suddenly see the same girl back out here.. the girl who was romancing Thala in the initial scenes.. You realize, it is the heroine indeed.. Tirisha madam.. at Thala’s tanni-illada-kaattu veedu.. trying to act like a Mattuponnu before kannalam impressing elders.. choo chweet ya…
Here, one number much needed kaamedy track happens.. Ha ha ha, you laugh despite the slapsticky kaamedy.. what to do? Everyone laughs.. you laugh.
Tirisha back to Tirichi with Wooden face Appa and Pappadam face Amma.. Thala sad.
BALA SINGH IS .... BACK .. (Yeah Baby)
Bala Singh still has 10 more seconds to go in the film out of his 1.5 minutes.. So we see him with aruval chasing Thala who puts one fight scene atop buses, bikes etc.. Innovative, yes? But alas, Tirisha’s wooden face Appa sees this encounter and is upset… Wedding cancelled, he tells Mr.Arched Eyebrows.
A emosional Arched eyebrows asks Thala to be talamaraivu again at Lollu Sabha Santhanam’s house, back in Tirichi.. and here yagain thala puts senti after seeing Santhanam talk to his (Santhanam) Amma on the phone.. Thoughts of Pandari Bai Sharanya Amma coming to Tala and he calls home only to realize that ‘5-second-remaining-Bala singh and family have beaten up his amma, thangachee , thambee, broom stick, door mat etc. So sad.. you say!
Thala is back with a vengeance.. comes to Tanni illadha kaadu to beat up Varadu kutty and yes he does.. and yes.. yes.. kills Varadu.. bohooooooooo.. cries Mr.Arched Eyebrows.. and Thala does a ‘Nayagan….Bohooooooo”
Now .. next….
well that’s it.. You have the end title cards rolling and then Thalaiyila kai vecha audiences including adiyeen and adiyeel saying “idu ennoda THALA ezhuttu”
I am not going to waste precious bandwith trying to post more Mega Bytes talking about Thala and Tirisha. Mr. Arched Eyebrows Rajkiran does a ‘Tavamaai tavamirundu’ father which is repetitive and boring. Bring back the ‘Lungi madiccha-cute guy singing Azhaagana manjapura’ Raj kiran please!I yam missing him.
Vivek: You wonder what this talented man is doing here putting jinggu chaa.. poor guy.. Not to be blamed.. The kaamedy part does not gel with the film.. It is pathetic but one has to admit that his track gives the much needed respite to the entire torture
ALL OTHER WOODEN FACES
You have the kotthu-p-pattarai kinds playing Dada’s adiyaals.. ‘Patti mandram’ Raja’s Siamese twin Manobala and M
ALL OTHER MALLU FACES
Dear Mallu directors (Fazil, Lokida das, Menon, Nair and the likes),
We do not have any problems when you guys come to Kollywood remaking your ‘Mallu classics’ in Tamizh. After all this is “Vandaarai vazha vaikkum tamizhagam”. But in the name of ‘Kalai’, if you people use Kerala vilakku, mundu set poatta tamizh paati, mallu daadi veccha villain etc.in tamizh films, we definitely have a problem.. because we don’t identify with such characters, and eventually you suffer because we do not want to look at such characters and watch such films. Similarly, when your artistes like VMC Haneefa, ‘Varadu kutty’ Villian, Haanest raj Inspector, Mallu face paati etc appear in tamizh films, please ensure that they get their Tamizh pronounciations right.. We can accept if a Shriya Saran or a Namitha say 1-2-3-4-5 mouthing their dialogues with their voices dubbed later, because nobody really cares to hear their dialogues.. People don’t really come to the theatres to see them act. But if your Mallu character actors are going to say 1-2-3-4-5 and their voices dubbed later with “Daiiiiii.. naa
Cinematography : Tirru-the cinematographer disappoints big time. Is it the same Tirru who gave us Hey Ram? Sorry Sir, your work is pathetic.
Moojik : G V Prakash : Two out of your 5 odd songs are hummable.. But you have obviously been inspired by your Maama’s ‘Dil Se’ background track. Semma similarity .
Art , editing, Costumes, make-up etc etc : Okey-Okey.. but what use? Padam dubakoor
Mr. Remake mannan K.Balaje Saar : Please go back to remaking Hindi films like Don as Billa etc. Mallu films are not for Tamizh audiences… not films as Kireedam, please. Sorry, your come back after a 15 year break has been disappointing.
When Tirisha madam says “ Ennala taangamudila” to Ajith, I heard see one till-then-silent- talaiyila kai-vecha purushan next to me say “Ennalayumdaan” .. Well that says it all, about Kireedam!
Dear Blogger friend, On your high figh recommendation, I booked the ticket in advance spending money on auto, dragged Saturday-12 mani-veraikkum-toongara- purushan to theatre for mid morning show , subjected him to a two and a half hour torture, spending money on popcorn, juice, parking, petrol etc. Don’t worry, we wont sue you. But as promised.. WIRE THE MONEY I SAY!!!
KIREEDAM – 500 ROOBA DHANDAM!!