Rab Ne Bana di Jodi

I should have known...when, for an 8:30 pm show my purushan left at 7:45 to buy tickets and came back with a jubilant smile + 2 tickets (Rs.120 each - boohooo!) from a neighbourhood multiplex... I should have known that we were going to suffer three hours of a torture called RNABCDEFGH whatever!

ISHTORY-ji

One sodabutti called Surinder-ji (paavi Saaruk kaaan) works with Punjab Power and gets married to a much younger Taani-ji (Anushka Sharma) when Taani's groom dies in an accident on the day of their shaadi. Taani-ji is all upset with the marriage and azhuvaachi 'coz saccha pyaar ek baar hota hai aur friendship aur kuch kuch bhi aur mohabbat bhi ek baar ki pyaar mein khojata hai kinda Yash Chopra - Karan Johar-ish nonsense..

Surinder-ji wants to win Taani-ji's love and takes the avtar of Raj (Padupaavi Saaruk AYYAYYO!) with a tight t-shirt, cool chain (Double Ayyayo!) - yes yes the same Kuch kuch vaanti hota hai look. Raj joins the dance school where Taani-ji has enrolled herself to do some Shiamak Davar exercises. Taani-ji falls in love with Raj and Surinder-ji is upset. Confused? So are we... so is Aditya Chopra... his father... his vetti brother and many others! Welcome to RNBDJ affectionately called as Rab Ne Bana di Jodi.

Dei...ji!

Surinder-ji becomes Raj-ji and Taani-ji cannot recognize him...This is creativity at its best. Taanji is one homely Punjabi kudi at home making chappathi but becomes pant shirt ponnattha in her dance class, oor suthifies with Raj, sings dances and all that. Which Indian homely ladki does all this ya? say me... Abacharamji!

Suddenly with the help of Vinay Pathak-ji 's hair salon Surinder-ji becomes Raj-ji in exactly five minutes and comes back to the salon to have drinks and talk about Saccha Pyaarji Mohabbat ko jootaa aur Rabji ne friendship ki jodiji...

Let us go and have Sojji Bajji at this point - Interval.

Enna mannichidunga-ji

At eggjactly half time I plead and beg of my 'ji' so that we can leave the theatreji and go home. "We have only seen the film for Rs.60-ji... let's complete the rest Rs.60-ji...recessionji... don't waste moneyji" said aathukaarar-ji with a wicked smileji.

Rest of the jis

Anushka Sharma as Taani-ji is pretty, nice smile and all that - good saas bahu material - Ekta-ji, she is all yours!

Vinay Pathak-ji - one number boring typecast as a typical Punjabi the munda. Mundam, to be precise!

Extra-jis

One call from Adi-ji - The Preitys, Kajols, Bipashas and Laras come falling to do a thundu beedi

dance role. There's one utterly horrible number sung by Sonu Nigam has Saaruk kaan dancing with the above heroines in different sequences. Ofcourse the final sequence belongs to Aditya Chopraji's lauvv girl Rani Mukherjiji with one proud "naan inda veetu marumagal" look. Preity Zinta is all set to compete with Hemamalini and Sharmila Tagore in playing Amitabh Bachchan's wife. Preityji looks Paattiji.

Songs , dance and other nonsensejis

Take one number Salim-Suleiman, add a Sukhwinder with a definite Punjabi number, one Shreya Ghoshal and Roopkumar Rathod for a islow number, Sunidhi chauhan-ish kudiye, makhnave kinda song and you have a Yash raj album ready! Dance sequences choreographed by Vaibhavi Merchant and PT exercise master Shiamak Davar.

Surprise-ji

No Abhishek Bachchan in guest role as Taani-ji's boyfriend , No Amitabh Bachchan as Amritsar Panchayat board president giving advice to young couples along with wife Hemamaliniji and surprise surprise NO KIRRON KHER as Saaruk Khan's amma feeding him gajar ka halwa saying "lo ji puttar.... rab ne rabdi nahi diya" kinda nonsense.

Worseji

What's worse than having kids in the theatre, screaming, pushing your seat with their feet ? Having - Punjabi kids in the theatre screaming and pushing your seat with their feet! Ayyayo! If three Punjabi ladies behind us were bad enough , imagine three Punju women, four Punju kids behind us and a Punju film on screen. It was not our dayji!

Rab we Met

At the end of a painful two hours, all you hear is "Jo Rab hai woh Pati hai... " "Jo Pati hota hai woh Rab ki baat hai" "Rab jo hai woh Tub hai" for almost half an hour - You end up in a Mab-bbu after the torturous Rab-bu dialogues.

This is a film whose length is at the max. one hour. Adi-ji and team stretch it like a bubble gum and it goes on and on like the kesari they serve in Yashraj canteen.

Rab Ne Bana di Bore -.5 (that's a minus point five) out of 5. Don't go anywhere close to the theatre. Sheer torture it is!